SPLIT BUT TOGETHER
From ex husband or wife to new roommate
The phenomenon of being divorced but still living together under the same roof is a new kind of divorce’s conception.
Today, "separated but together" status makes up the higher percentage of couples particularly for couples over age 50.
Often they have been married for 20 years or more.As long as it is considered a temporary situation that will end up as soon as all the divorce and kid’s details are set, and once it is crystal clear that this alternative is a step towards a friendly divorce not a last chance reconciliation, this living arrangement has a chance of going the distance.
KEEP IN MIND
Ironically, some couples may start to get along better than they had in years of marital status. This fact doesn’t eliminate the bunch of million reasons they are divorcing for. Any misinterpretation may lead to a disillusion.
CAUSES
Money wise
The most common thing that keeps people together is money, or more to the point, the lack thereof.
Economically, one or both might not be capable of supporting himself; the divorce itself might be too expensive.
The most common obstacle is coming up with the cash to support two households.
For children sake
Many parents stay together for kid’s welfare, thinking that this is the best they can offer to their kids. Unless it is provisional, this solution can turn to another defeat or better to a nesting alternative where kids are clearly aware of their parent’s separation.
Fear of losing home
The new economic reality that comes with divorce goes beyond having a comfortable home and the same standard of living.Not ready to face reality
One of the partners is not emotionally ready to formally and permanently split.
Sometimes it is hard to face the marriage failure and face the end of the suburban dream.
FACTS
The Limbo Phase should be as short as possible.
A long period of co-habitation delays the process of emotional separation.
The divorce will only become "real" (for couples & kids) until physical separation.
Only then, the process of grieving, recovering and moving on will start.
OTHER SIDE OF THE MEDAL
Freedom: officially there are no commitments, but there is no independence too.
Trust: Hiding from kids the reality might turn to losing their trust.
RULES OF THE GAME
Establish and respect physical boundaries
Give each other as much private space as possible. Separate bedrooms is a must, ideally separate bathrooms, TV room, etc...
Work out a financial agreement
Both partners should have full access to all shared financial accounts, joint properties, debts and incoming bills, until a lawyer has worked out an agreement.
Divide up responsibilities
Be clear about who does what; (Household assignments and kid’s responsibility).
Guidelines for interacting
Make sure to have separate activities and agree on means of communications.
Do not sleep in the same bed. Ex Couples should be cautious about sexual relations, one of the partners may mistake the act for an overture of reconciliation.
Make house rules
It shall not be allowed to bring a date home. Something that feels right at the beginning of a “separate but together” relationship may turn out to be annoying or painful.
Draw the social lines
Attending social events together as married couples will certainly mislead and provoke social chatting regarding the situation. Sooner or later kids will know about it.
BACKUP PLAN
If the tension is unbearable, "nesting" is an alternative to consider.
Kids will stay in their home while the couple will separately be present with them according to a schedule.
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